- Wednesday 14 February 2024
Over the course of two articles, I thought it would be worth focusing on the topic of resilience. We hear this issue get discussed a great deal but usually from an impractical or theoretical perspective. But, as I’ve written, there are scientific insights that can help. In fact, for people struggling for resilience, studies show a significant improvement by just doing five things. So, what are those things?
In the previous article we looked at Emotional Regulation, Optimism and Cognitive Agility
This week we’re focusing on Self Compassion and Self Efficacy, plus putting it all together
4. Self-Compassion
So you made a mistake. Before you break out the mental stick to give yourself a beating, ask yourself: “What do I usually do when someone else makes a mistake?”
You forgive them, and that’s the simple fix here. At its core, self-compassion is when we take the compassion we show to others when they mess up, and apply it to ourselves.
Think about it. When your friends overreact, you tell them it’s not that bad. But when you overreact you immediately assume it’s unsurmountable. You’re compassionate with others but not yourself? What are you — an emotional trampoline?
So how do we increase self-compassion? It’s easy. Imagine what you’re dealing with is happening to someone you care about. What would you feel? What would you say? What would you do to support them?
It sounds simple, but it can be the emotional equivalent of a warm shower. Use your gentlest inside voice and be a little kinder to the one person who is always there to provide you with support – you.
But — to respond to the rhetorical question – what do you do if you successfully cope with you’re your negative feelings but don’t feel able to do anything about the situation at hand? You lack the confidence to actually get moving again after a big setback. What then?
5. Self-Efficacy
This is a concept created by psychologist Albert Bandura in the 1980’s. Self-Efficacy is the belief in your ability to exercise control over what you do and the things that affect your life.
Levels of Self-Efficacy can predict a wide range of objectives, from how well you perform at a job, to whether you achieve diet and exercise goals. A huge part of it is about agency - believing you can get things done. It’s the opposite of helplessness.
So how do you grow Self-Efficacy muscles? The key here is “mastery experiences.” Getting competent at something boosts feelings of agency and confidence. And those feelings naturally carry over a bit. “If I can do this, I can do that, too.” Rather than just attempting to convince yourself with affirmations, you actually achieve goals, and by seeing yourself achieve goals, over time, you can’t help but start to identify as “a person who achieves their goals.”
The key is to start small. Set a goal. Achieve it. Set a bigger goal. Achieve it… You get the point. It’s not “believe and do”; it’s “do and believe.” This builds agency that will generalise and carry over to other areas of life.
The most reliable way to increase confidence is by earning it. Proving it to yourself. Get good at things and overcome challenges until you become the kind of person who “always gets good at things and always overcomes challenges.”
This is why kneejerk quitting is so bad. You immediately fail and run away and then, sadly, it’s very realistic to say, “I am the kind of person who fails and runs away.” It’s not prophecy. It’s the accumulation of behaviours. Change the behaviours and you change the story. Change the story and you’re a different person. A resilient one.
Sum Up
Here’s how to be more resilient:
- Emotional Regulation: When feelings overwhelm you, you can’t make good decisions. Slow down and get some distance. Notice and name your emotions. Then reappraise. Is this really that bad? Are these thoughts useful?
- Optimism: When we can’t see a potential positive outcome, it’s rational to give up. Consider your best possible self. See difficulty as transient, local, and controllable.
- Cognitive Agility: When you immediately jump to the worst-case scenario, you’re going to want to quit. Take the time to consider more possibilities. Then ask yourself which one you’d bet on being most likely.
- Self-Compassion: You’re letting someone walk all over you. But the person doing the walking is also you. Take that compassion you usually extend to others and offer some of it to yourself.
- Self-Efficacy: You build confidence and agency by accomplishing things often enough that it changes how you see yourself. Start small and achieve goals until you start to see yourself as “the kind of person who achieves their goals.”
It is important to state that everyone struggles in life and these tips are not a guarantee of a utopian existence. It is simply a guide to help reflect on how we see life’s challenges and how we respond to them.
The most important thing is to practice the above techniques. Sometimes just one will be enough, or all you can manage before falling back into old habits. That’s ok too, as long as you keep trying.
Finally, don’t forget all the times that felt like the end of the world, but you made it through. This is one of the critical lessons of life. All the times of (genuine) despair that became little more than funny anecdotes a month or year, or decade later. As the saying goes…. This too shall pass.
